One chance.. that’s all I have left available, all the time I can give for this to progress on. 

One time, and let’s see how it works.

你或许觉得我很自私，觉得我不应该如次，但是我真的不想要受到伤害。生命中有太多让我烦恼的事，让我喘不过气，让我快要窒息了。

我真的觉得自己是一个第三者。在爱情里，不应该有那么多的顾滤，不应该有多一个人在瞎搅和。我会觉得很内疚。难道你看不出吗？还是在你的眼里，我本来就没那么重要？

我思考了很旧，觉得我还是得离开。

因为我自私，所以我不打算向你开口。

对不起朋友啊。。。但你们真的值得幸福。

而除了对不起，还是。。

对不起。

Why. Why. Why. 

I think this question revolves around us the most whenever there is a problem. Whenever something crops up, the first thing being asked or said is always why. 

I know how it feels, to question something from your very core, to wonder about the very reason for your existence, the reason for things that happen. 

But, perspective is important. 

It is what made me pull through. 

And don’t think that what I say is nonsensical, cause you’re not me, you don’t know what I’ve been through. And really, this doesn’t even cut it. 

There’s treatment. It’s curable. How do you think I felt, when mine is just medicine to suppress. Yes I may not die from this, but nothing can compare, with that feeling of knowing death might just be revolving around you. 

So believe me when I say trust me, believe in me when I say it’s going to be okay. 

I can go on, but I’ll just sink into a bout of sadness once more. I like being happy, cause it makes my day seem brighter than normal, makes me cherish people around me even more. 

This is just… a part of my past.

I don’t mind, I really don’t mind at all but today I said, “I’m really tired, there are too many people leaning on me but there is no one whom I can lean on”. 

But part of me feels that I should be glad there are people who regard me as someone whom they can lean on. It’s just that right now, there is a bigger part in me who yearns for someone I can lean on. I’m glad that I’m someone you can confide things in, someone whom people look to for advice and support. But this someone… needs somebody else she can lean on to. 

I’m mentally tired, but I know I have to be strong for the people around me. Know that I cannot fall down, not at this junction. I care too much for these people to let them know that I’m flailing, that I can’t bear this huge weight on my shoulder much longer. 

I want to be young too, feel carefree, have lesser worries but there is too much at stake right now. Too much which I have to consider before I can execute the next step in my plan. 

There is a lot I want to complete, things I want to do and try out before I’m too old for it or before I have other commitments in my life. 

Perhaps I just need time. But maybe this excuse is turning too old.